My life is like a Disney movie yet slightly twisted and meant for an older demographic.

Above is a photo of a 1971 Mercedes-Benz 280 SL. My father had this when I was growing up (except dark green and tan interior)…. this was the best photo I could find for those who haven’t seen this car before. 

I loved this car. I learned how to drive by driving this car. My dad would put like 3 phone books on the drivers seat (i was pretty short for 12) and we would go to either Rock Creek Park or the Pentagon parking lot (probably a security threat now-a-days). 

*Just a heads up, this is another positive story about my father so fasten your seatbelt nerds. 

One weekend my mom took me to Orvis to get some sort of outdoors item, dont remember what. But when I was there I saw this stuffed bear that stood up and you could move his arms. It was incredible and when I saw it I knew I had to have it. I think I was about 8-9 at the time. I asked my mom for it, even though it was the most useless item to have and also expensive for something that useless. She naturally said no. When I heard this I cried and had a public fit and grabbed onto the bears legs refusing to leave Orvis until she caved into my demands. She didn’t care and left the store, so i followed because this store was out in Maryland and I had no idea how to get back. 

The next weekend my dad took me out for a spin in this car and surprised me by showing up to Orvis. He walked in the store as if he had owned it and the had the bear ready for him to pick up. He placed the bear in the back seat of the Mercedes and moved up one of the bears arms to look as if he was waving. he told me to sit in the back with the bear. 

We drove all throughout DC and I remember specifically driving down M st on a Sunday in the middle of the afternoon (when it was the busiest). My father had the roof down, and there I was sitting in the back with this bear “waving.” He told me to wave and to smile to the tourists and assured me we would make the Washington Post. I smiled and waved with the bear to all of these suburbanites. I felt like I was in a parade of some sort… like the parade of spoiled city kids and their eccentric fathers. It was magical.

The photo above is of the Summer Session 1 Congressional Pages in 2005. (I am the 7th from the left if you were interested). Now being a Page is probably the hardest internship to get being in high school (unless you have a connection which I can assure you about 90% of us had). This was also the most amazing experience I’ve had. 

We were given access to all parts of the US Capitol. The first day on the job they (the government) made us all sign confidentiality agreements stating we wouldn’t write anything about the Congressional Page experience for an entire year after we did it. Do I know why they did this? Not really… But its been about 6 years so I think I’m in the clear. 

Pages were kind of seen as celebrities on the Hill. I mean I had my photograph taken twice by midwestern tourists which was both flattering and odd all at the same time. Anyways, going back to the access we had in the Capitol… We could go on the roof (flag changes), the House floor (which only Congressional Pages and Congressmen are allowed) and the Capitol basement… which we all referred to as the “Page Cage.” Ok enough description of how neat this experience was and more on the Page dirt.

Let’s just say things happened in the Page Cage which we had a been lectured on… We also sneaked off to the Senate side to spy on Political celebs, and of course one can’t mention being a Page without addressing Congressman Foley.

Apparently one of the Pages he harassed was in my Page class (yes I know who it was, no I will not say). Now there is also a political scandal happening on the Hill. Just hang out in the Cloak Room on the House floor and you can get so much political dirt, but this is obviously different. News of this story spread like wild fire throughout our Page class (2 years after paging) and I had many thoughts on this but mostly why wasn’t I harassed by him. I’m cute, innocent, young, cute (again)- at least cute enough to be harassed by an old Republican. I wouldn’t want that to happen to me due to all the psychological damage and having that plus having it come from a Republican - I have enough issues. I’m glad it didn’t happen to me blah blah blah, but it would be nice to get acknowledgment of how cute I am. It’d be a nice pick-me up since seeing homeless people doesn’t do it all the time, am I right, dad?

Everyone says their mom makes the best chocolate-chip cookies, but they are wrong and they are lying to you. It’s my mom that makes the best chocolate-chip cookies. Anyways, thats beside the point of this specific post. When I was in the 4th grade, I think, my dad would take me to get my hair-cut at this really hip place in Dupont Circle right off Conn. Ave, can’t remember the name but it was interesting. I got my hair-cut there about once a month for a good consecutive 5 months by this woman named Nikki…. Now Nikki was really pretty and had dreads and was probably 25 or something. Whenever I got my haircut i would cry because scissors by your eyes and or face is fucking scary, don’t care what you think. So she was nice and gave me a bag of chocolate-chip cookies (see picture above to see what the cookies looked like). So that was nice of her.  I finally came the realization that the reason she was giving me a bag of cookies every time I got my haircut was because she was giving my dad her “cookies.” I just pieced this all together a couple of weeks ago cause I’m not that quick and I could care less about my Dad’s 20-something girlfriends. But it was nice of Nikki to give me her cookies too, even though they weren’t the same kind, am I right, Dad?

Everyone says their mom makes the best chocolate-chip cookies, but they are wrong and they are lying to you. It’s my mom that makes the best chocolate-chip cookies. Anyways, thats beside the point of this specific post. When I was in the 4th grade, I think, my dad would take me to get my hair-cut at this really hip place in Dupont Circle right off Conn. Ave, can’t remember the name but it was interesting. I got my hair-cut there about once a month for a good consecutive 5 months by this woman named Nikki….

Now Nikki was really pretty and had dreads and was probably 25 or something. Whenever I got my haircut i would cry because scissors by your eyes and or face is fucking scary, don’t care what you think. So she was nice and gave me a bag of chocolate-chip cookies (see picture above to see what the cookies looked like). So that was nice of her. 

I finally came the realization that the reason she was giving me a bag of cookies every time I got my haircut was because she was giving my dad her “cookies.” I just pieced this all together a couple of weeks ago cause I’m not that quick and I could care less about my Dad’s 20-something girlfriends. But it was nice of Nikki to give me her cookies too, even though they weren’t the same kind, am I right, Dad?

Just looking at this poster I get flashbacks of the bitchin’ 90’s. I loved the Power Rangers, just like any other red-blooded American. When the movie came out they had a huge promotional toy deal with McD’s- I know you all remember that time, cause the toys were legitimate as hell.  So I was naturally one of those kids that got all the Power Rangers (and their respected vehicle) and played non-stop with them. Best action toys ever.. and they came from a happy meal.  I loved these toys so much that when we left for Spain one summer I took all of them and put them in a tin can. I then placed that tin can behind books on the shelves in our basement. Why? Cause the cleaning lady we had before stole from us and these were really hard to get… and I wasn’t about to let some nanny woman take all my hard work of eating McDonalds to get these toys… I was a smart kid, if I didn’t have a cleaning lady who stole from my family, I would probably be too trusting. You can’t trust anyone, am I right, Dad? 

Just looking at this poster I get flashbacks of the bitchin’ 90’s. I loved the Power Rangers, just like any other red-blooded American. When the movie came out they had a huge promotional toy deal with McD’s- I know you all remember that time, cause the toys were legitimate as hell. 

So I was naturally one of those kids that got all the Power Rangers (and their respected vehicle) and played non-stop with them. Best action toys ever.. and they came from a happy meal. 

I loved these toys so much that when we left for Spain one summer I took all of them and put them in a tin can. I then placed that tin can behind books on the shelves in our basement. Why? Cause the cleaning lady we had before stole from us and these were really hard to get… and I wasn’t about to let some nanny woman take all my hard work of eating McDonalds to get these toys… I was a smart kid, if I didn’t have a cleaning lady who stole from my family, I would probably be too trusting. You can’t trust anyone, am I right, Dad? 

So this is my street. Its uh pretty, pretty- don’t ya think? I personally like the brick sidewalks myself. Before the street was concrete which is no good. And my Dad didn’t think so either. So naturally, he and his yuppie companions somehow got the DC government (which is controlled by Congress if you are all interested… which is a 70% chance I’m right about that) to give money to replace two city block sidewalks with brick… Now I’m all for the beautification of my own neighborhood and even better yet my street (and increased property value) but it’s kind of interesting to think that, that money could have gone towards DC public schools or like poor people or like peace or something. But education is a privilege not a right and you can’t buy peace, just happiness, am I right, Dad? View high resolution

So this is my street. Its uh pretty, pretty- don’t ya think? I personally like the brick sidewalks myself. Before the street was concrete which is no good. And my Dad didn’t think so either. So naturally, he and his yuppie companions somehow got the DC government (which is controlled by Congress if you are all interested… which is a 70% chance I’m right about that) to give money to replace two city block sidewalks with brick… Now I’m all for the beautification of my own neighborhood and even better yet my street (and increased property value) but it’s kind of interesting to think that, that money could have gone towards DC public schools or like poor people or like peace or something. But education is a privilege not a right and you can’t buy peace, just happiness, am I right, Dad?

There is basically one thing you don’t discuss in DC if you’re a Washingtonian and don’t know the other person’s politics and that is George W. Bush. Now hardly anyone in Washington likes Bush…. you’d probably have a death wish if you advertised that. But luckily enough I got to see him in person. In the summer of 2005 I was lucky enough (thanks connections (mom)) to be a Congressional Page for the U.S. House of Representatives. Now there is going to be a post about that later, am I right Congressman Foley? But for right now all I’m going to say is that it was the best experience I’ve had so far, and met extraordinary kids who are probably going to run this country some day. Anyways, I kept in touch with the head of the Democratic pages (I’m a Democrat in case you couldn’t pick that up) and had the opportunity to go to the 2006 State of the Union. I know I’m a bad-ass.  It was a kick-ass experience, and yeah it’s Bush but to be in a room with the most powerful people in the country was like the same feeling when you watch the West Wing- it was awesome. So I had to stand in the back on the House floor with the Democratic pages…here is when the story gets interesting When we were all waiting for the State of the Union Address to start, these year pages (summer pages, you know what I’m talking about) are talking about booing George Bush when he walks in… so I just stood in the corner with my Vineyard Vines crab tie keeping silent just listening to their disrespectful/pathetic plan to change democracy. So after hearing all of them getting riled up about booing him, the moment finally arrives. President Bush walks in and all of the pages…are not booing… but jumping on top of each other to shake his hand… now I don’t think that’s how protesting works. Who said the Democratic party doesn’t have leadership and tenacity, am I right, Dad?

There is basically one thing you don’t discuss in DC if you’re a Washingtonian and don’t know the other person’s politics and that is George W. Bush. Now hardly anyone in Washington likes Bush…. you’d probably have a death wish if you advertised that. But luckily enough I got to see him in person.

In the summer of 2005 I was lucky enough (thanks connections (mom)) to be a Congressional Page for the U.S. House of Representatives. Now there is going to be a post about that later, am I right Congressman Foley? But for right now all I’m going to say is that it was the best experience I’ve had so far, and met extraordinary kids who are probably going to run this country some day. Anyways, I kept in touch with the head of the Democratic pages (I’m a Democrat in case you couldn’t pick that up) and had the opportunity to go to the 2006 State of the Union.

I know I’m a bad-ass. 

It was a kick-ass experience, and yeah it’s Bush but to be in a room with the most powerful people in the country was like the same feeling when you watch the West Wing- it was awesome. So I had to stand in the back on the House floor with the Democratic pages…here is when the story gets interesting

When we were all waiting for the State of the Union Address to start, these year pages (summer pages, you know what I’m talking about) are talking about booing George Bush when he walks in… so I just stood in the corner with my Vineyard Vines crab tie keeping silent just listening to their disrespectful/pathetic plan to change democracy. So after hearing all of them getting riled up about booing him, the moment finally arrives. President Bush walks in and all of the pages…are not booing… but jumping on top of each other to shake his hand… now I don’t think that’s how protesting works.

Who said the Democratic party doesn’t have leadership and tenacity, am I right, Dad?

Some families have a tradition of going to a state fair or a state watermelon eating contest or state something white american life… but DC isn’t a state, which makes it the best place in the country. Every year in my neighborhood is the Dupont Circle Drag High Heel race… happens every October and is a family favorite.  Now I’d like to think I have a unique upbringing and I think this family tradition definitely seals the deal. So yeah when I was little I would look at all the pretty men in their gorgeous gowns and after the race… or stroll for some… my family would discuss our favorites. Now we concluded as a family (my mom, sister, neighbor and her daughter) that some of the men were pretty sluty and some were just so darn classy. One year we saw a Drag Princess Diana. She was really pretty, yeah good times… I miss seeing grown men pushing and booking it down 17th street in their high heels and gorgeous gowns… ohh childhood. I don’t know why girls complain about heels, those men were running in them pretty fast, am I right, Dad?

Some families have a tradition of going to a state fair or a state watermelon eating contest or state something white american life… but DC isn’t a state, which makes it the best place in the country. Every year in my neighborhood is the Dupont Circle Drag High Heel race… happens every October and is a family favorite. 

Now I’d like to think I have a unique upbringing and I think this family tradition definitely seals the deal. So yeah when I was little I would look at all the pretty men in their gorgeous gowns and after the race… or stroll for some… my family would discuss our favorites. Now we concluded as a family (my mom, sister, neighbor and her daughter) that some of the men were pretty sluty and some were just so darn classy. One year we saw a Drag Princess Diana. She was really pretty, yeah good times… I miss seeing grown men pushing and booking it down 17th street in their high heels and gorgeous gowns… ohh childhood. I don’t know why girls complain about heels, those men were running in them pretty fast, am I right, Dad?

Yeah - that’s a face with lines on it… trying to demonstrate a face lift operation. Now i was trying to find a picture of Lucille from Arrested Development when she had her face lift and she was wearing that hat/cape thing dressed all in black. You can see where this story is heading. So my mom had a face lift when I was in the 8th grade. This was probably a painful experience for her (8 hour surgery-4-6 week recovery) now… it was also a rough experience for me. So when I was in 8th grade, my friends mom had open heart surgery about 3 weeks before my moms facelift. Same amount of hours under the knife… although one was required and the other one was to help save a life or something. So after my friends mom had the surgery, everyone in the school was praying for her and being accommodating to her blah blah blah (this where the catholic school environment truly kicks in) and no one really seemed concerned about my moms surgery. It’s still 8 hours under the knife… whatever, i was freaking out.  After the surgery my neighbor took my sister and me to the hotel my mom was recovering in and she looked gross. As my dad would put it, a “fat-chinese nun.” Which was true… she was wrapped up like a mummy, and had gauze everywhere and her eye-lids were sewn shut… it was gross. But yeah no one really cared at school cause it was an elective surgery … but it was still scary for me- ya know? like innocent 13 yr old with a freak ass looking mom? that looked like a chinese nun and had her eyes sewn shut? yeah some sympathy please.  I felt bad for my sister cause she had to bathe her and take her to whole foods, which probably took forever cause she was soo drugged up on valium and was all in black (like lucille, no joke) and she just looked weird. (don’t worry she looks pretty now, like she is in her 40s when she is 60 so dont fret fans).  Who said preppy Washingtonians don’t have a hard life, am I right, Dad?

Yeah - that’s a face with lines on it… trying to demonstrate a face lift operation. Now i was trying to find a picture of Lucille from Arrested Development when she had her face lift and she was wearing that hat/cape thing dressed all in black. You can see where this story is heading. So my mom had a face lift when I was in the 8th grade. This was probably a painful experience for her (8 hour surgery-4-6 week recovery) now… it was also a rough experience for me.

So when I was in 8th grade, my friends mom had open heart surgery about 3 weeks before my moms facelift. Same amount of hours under the knife… although one was required and the other one was to help save a life or something. So after my friends mom had the surgery, everyone in the school was praying for her and being accommodating to her blah blah blah (this where the catholic school environment truly kicks in) and no one really seemed concerned about my moms surgery. It’s still 8 hours under the knife… whatever, i was freaking out. 

After the surgery my neighbor took my sister and me to the hotel my mom was recovering in and she looked gross. As my dad would put it, a “fat-chinese nun.” Which was true… she was wrapped up like a mummy, and had gauze everywhere and her eye-lids were sewn shut… it was gross. But yeah no one really cared at school cause it was an elective surgery … but it was still scary for me- ya know? like innocent 13 yr old with a freak ass looking mom? that looked like a chinese nun and had her eyes sewn shut? yeah some sympathy please. 

I felt bad for my sister cause she had to bathe her and take her to whole foods, which probably took forever cause she was soo drugged up on valium and was all in black (like lucille, no joke) and she just looked weird. (don’t worry she looks pretty now, like she is in her 40s when she is 60 so dont fret fans).  Who said preppy Washingtonians don’t have a hard life, am I right, Dad?

So this isn’t from an accident. It’s from God, because apparently he hates me. I’m not even kidding. The damage came from the “church” next to my car. All this ice came crashing down and did that damage. I mentioned in a post below that I have bad luck with cars/driving — and if not, I am now.  So I thought either God loved me or hated me. Loved me- so I could get a new car since this looks like its totally wrecked and I wasn’t in the car when it happened all that sappy bs. Or God hated me - cause I didn’t have a car for about 3 weeks and take the bus in DC…during winter… when I was a Senior in High School. The worst.  My other bad luck or I guess bad relationship with someone (excluding God this time) is apparently with a neighbor of mine. So my neighbor was renovating their house and they were in Russia or something and said I could park in the back of their house. This was a godsend cause parking in Dupont Circle is probably the worst driving experience a person could have. So I shared the spot with this mini cooper. Now yeah mini coopers are cute and all, and this one even had a cute license plate that was catchy and adorable blah blah blah but it’s like dude- you don’t need to have a parking space. You’re a mini… the size of your car is in the brand name- you know how hard it is to find parking for an SUV in Dupont? So, it’s like dude- you’re being rude and acting like a stupid yuppie. (Yuppie’s are the worst, but since I’m turning into one my opinion is changing) Anyways I get into my car on the way to school and there is a fake parking ticket on my car.  This ticket was probably one of those gag-gifts you’d get at Urban or something that’s a complete waste of money and only funny to the person who put it on your car (especially in this case). The reasoning for the ticket was because i was an “inconsiderate driver” and was “rude” and then went on to say “I wish you are stuck in traffic on your birthday and your car blows up..” Now my friends thought this was funny, but I did not. I thought it was from a friend or sister but it wasn’t… I know it was that mini fucking cooper yuppie- Dude I don’t know how they drive in the suburbs, but if you wanna be an adult and drive in the city get some balls and like not leave cutesy/threatening tickets on an innocent child’s car and go back to the suburbs, am I right, Dad? View high resolution

So this isn’t from an accident. It’s from God, because apparently he hates me. I’m not even kidding. The damage came from the “church” next to my car. All this ice came crashing down and did that damage. I mentioned in a post below that I have bad luck with cars/driving — and if not, I am now. 

So I thought either God loved me or hated me. Loved me- so I could get a new car since this looks like its totally wrecked and I wasn’t in the car when it happened all that sappy bs. Or God hated me - cause I didn’t have a car for about 3 weeks and take the bus in DC…during winter… when I was a Senior in High School. The worst. 

My other bad luck or I guess bad relationship with someone (excluding God this time) is apparently with a neighbor of mine. So my neighbor was renovating their house and they were in Russia or something and said I could park in the back of their house. This was a godsend cause parking in Dupont Circle is probably the worst driving experience a person could have. So I shared the spot with this mini cooper.

Now yeah mini coopers are cute and all, and this one even had a cute license plate that was catchy and adorable blah blah blah but it’s like dude- you don’t need to have a parking space. You’re a mini… the size of your car is in the brand name- you know how hard it is to find parking for an SUV in Dupont? So, it’s like dude- you’re being rude and acting like a stupid yuppie. (Yuppie’s are the worst, but since I’m turning into one my opinion is changing) Anyways I get into my car on the way to school and there is a fake parking ticket on my car. 

This ticket was probably one of those gag-gifts you’d get at Urban or something that’s a complete waste of money and only funny to the person who put it on your car (especially in this case). The reasoning for the ticket was because i was an “inconsiderate driver” and was “rude” and then went on to say “I wish you are stuck in traffic on your birthday and your car blows up..” Now my friends thought this was funny, but I did not. I thought it was from a friend or sister but it wasn’t… I know it was that mini fucking cooper yuppie- Dude I don’t know how they drive in the suburbs, but if you wanna be an adult and drive in the city get some balls and like not leave cutesy/threatening tickets on an innocent child’s car and go back to the suburbs, am I right, Dad?